My hands are cupped around my cheeks
And I find feel the coldness of my skin.
It’s is like I have never been under the sun
The ice that my flesh is.
Why am I so cold?
Why I am I so alone?
Why do I shiver when it’s a hot summer’s day?
I curl myself up in a tight ball
To try and protect myself
From becoming my mind’s easy prey.
But they are still alive
Singing with the sound of my despair
The voices floating in and out
Always coming back for more
To take out of me.
They shout and demand
Whisper and shriek
All their needs are the command.
Like ghosts, an eerie and misty scent fills my head
And the roaring slowly begins
Red and black swirls amongst her daily rage
And the others call with their agreement.
They control my thoughts
Muddling my senses
Wiping out all traces of the true me.
They turn themselves into my body
Their strings becoming my muscles
And through me, they are set free.
My skin feels so icy
Even though the sun shines
My heart feels so lonely
Even though there are monsters in my mind
My soul sings weakly
As I have no remains of strength left.
I tie myself to the surrender
And give them the hands of my own death.
They are beginning to rise
Their fire melts my thick ice
My blood boils and I become their slave
I work my body for their wishes.
I move to the darkened room and find what they want
The well known sliver knife
I clutch it in my hands and against all my will
I begin to cut, bleed and slice.
But they want more
They all want me dead
And if I don’t close my eyes
And see them screaming in my mind
I’ll die right this second.
I am in their hands
I am imprisoned in their will
And they won’t ever leave me alone.
I hate this part, these moments
When just before the final step is taken
They grins their evil smiles and have a laugh
And now they try to break me.
I fall apart at the seams
And the cords fall loose
My stitched wounds open and bleed
I shatter in their might
On this dark moonlit night
And I fall to my knees, begging for mercy.
But they are heartless
Heartless, careless, twisted creatures
Voices of death and disaster
They do not care for my life
Or for my worth or my value
All that is imprinted on their souls
Is the desire to destroy me.
My skin is burning now
Blazing with their blood and hatred
Their intense inferno of anger
I am not alone anymore
The voices are twisting their way through me
Controlling me, killing me
I am full of them, the water spilling over
They are too strong for me to fight.
My hands are fists on my cheeks
And I feel their fire in my skin
It is like I have been boiled under the sun
The hotness that my flesh is.
Why I am so hot?
Why I am I so crowded with company?
Why do I sit here blazing with their angry flame?
I curl myself into a tight ball
Because there’s nothing else I can do
I have become my mind’s easy prey.
I am running the 2018 London Marathon to raise money for Livability UK in memory of my dad. If you can I'd appreciate any donation you can spare. http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/deansaliba